Low Self-Esteem or Feeling Unworthy

Common characteristics of low self-esteem:

1. Lack of self-confidence and/or social skills in social situations
2. Social withdrawal and/or isolation
3. Feels self-conscious or stressed around others, and constantly looks for ‘signs’ that people don’t like or approve of them
4. Concerned and worried about what other people think of them
5. Feelings of insecurity and sees themselves as inferior compared to others
6. Needs external validation, reassurance or recognition from others, and fears judgement and disapproval
7. Inability to receive compliments
8. Low resilience; finds it difficult to cope with a challenging life event because they already see themselves as ‘hopeless’
9. Self-deprecation; belittling, self-critical, self-blaming and running themselves down
10. Over accentuating or consumed by negative aspects of themselves and use negative words to describe themselves
11. Downplays or ignores their positive attributes, talents, qualities and strengths
12. Quick to blame themselves if something goes wrong
13. Downplays any personal success and believes that ‘luck’ plays a large role in any achievements
14. Negative thinking patterns
15. Inability to trust their own judgement, decisions or opinions and constant self-doubt
16. Puts other people’s needs before their own, and sacrifices their own needs and emotions
17. Self-neglect or lack of self-care; treating themselves poorly, but not other people
18. Overly concerned about their impact on others and if they have upset them or treated them badly
19. Reluctance to try new things or to get out of their comfort zone
20. Often avoids or fears changes or challenges, due to the uncertainty it can bring
21. Low expectations of themselves and life itself
22. Body image issues which can lead to eating disorders

What causes low self-esteem?

The beliefs you have about yourself are only the opinions that you have formed by the experiences you have had in your life to date. In turn, your interpretations or conclusions that you have formed from these experiences, about yourself. If you have had many negative experiences, the beliefs you have about yourself are likely to be negative too. The first few years of a child’s life really sets the foundation for this self-perception, and thereafter impacts their future view of self, and life in general. What you observed and experienced in childhood from your family, school, peers and the wider community would have influenced the way you view yourself. These experiences create the foundation for the general conclusions and judgements you make about yourself. Examples of early experiences that often lead to low self-esteem are:

• Consistent punishment, neglect or abuse
• Significant people such as parents or teachers were very critical
• Failure to meet parental expectations and standards
• Failure to meet peer-group expectations and standards
• Poor academic performance in school resulting in a lack of confidence
• Treated in ways that highlighted a deficiency or flaw, eg. a learning or physical disability
• Being on the receiving end of other people’s stress or distress
• Belonging to a family or social group that other people often showed prejudice towards
• An absence of love, affection, praise, encouragement, warmth, or interest
• Feeling different or like the odd one out, at home or at school.

Of course, sometimes low self-esteem is also caused by negative experiences later in life, such as:

• Abusive personal relationships or poor treatment from partners
• Traumatic events, crisis or persistent stress or hardships, eg. an accident, loss of a child, financial hardship, etc
• Ongoing health issue impacting life, eg. serious illness or injury, mental illness, chronic pain or disability
• Workplace bullying or intimidation

Because our opinions of ourselves are usually well-formed from early childhood, they are more often than not – biased and inaccurate because they were formed from a child’s-eye view. Our opinions were also most likely formed from our interpretations and misunderstandings about experiences, because we had no adult knowledge or understanding of the full context of what was really going on. Although these beliefs may be misinterpreted, unhelpful or outdated now, they originated from a time when they made sense to us, given what information we had at the time.

Unfortunately once this faulty view of self is formed, it continues to impact the child’s ongoing experiences and interpretations in life, as it becomes the child’s future reference point. This is because beliefs are maintained and strengthened by what is known as biased thinking. Meaning that weight is given to anything that is consistent with your current beliefs, and you discount anything that is not. This is how beliefs become reinforced over time, and the beliefs you have about yourself often appear to be statements of fact, although in reality they are only opinions.

Our beliefs directly impact our feelings and our behaviours. When negative beliefs and thoughts are prevalent, it adversely affects the way we behave, how we feel, the choices we make, and how we react to situations in life. Over time this can lead to really low self-esteem which can directly impact the quality of a person’s life in many ways. Unfortunately low self-esteem may even lead to serious mental health issues such as anxiety disorders, depression, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, self-harming and even suicide.